Layla’s Mixed Sorts

December 16, 2008

Looking Back, and Looking Forward

Filed under: Life — laylanajia @ 5:13 pm


Once again, the end of the year is fast approaching. It’s the time we all look back and hindsight, always looking forward to making the best of what we have accomplished, and to embarking the next new chapter.

 Each year, people make New Year’s Resolutions for change, I am not one of those people who gives much emphasis on changing myself to keep in time with the changing of the calendar year, I usually try to set goals and better myself constantly and my time measurement is always based on how much time should that goal take. But like many others, I like the physiological feeling that the new year always arouses, hoping that the past year skilled us enough to do better this time, hoping that our accomplishments will lead us to meet our ambitions, trusting that we wont fall into the same mistakes we have made, and most of all, realizing the importance of how a single small decision we make, can be the reason of the whole year outcome.

 For the first time, I cannot help but truly dread the coming New Year. The past year showed me that life is not really about reaching my goals, but more about the decisions I make along the way, particularly the little decisions, because the big ones usually take care of themselves and are caused by the little ones.

 So… big decisions, like my career, remain in my home country or live somewhere new again, small decisions like friends, trust, or getting into a relationship. These decisions should be easy to make since I know what is it that I want, but why does it feel like these decisions are so hard to make, as if the end of a life time is soon approaching and I should be very careful and quickly decide before another lifetime begins.

 This year was more of an experimental stage where I was laying down a foundation to which to build upon in 2009, that’s why the coming year excites me yet scares me. I invested huge energy for an expensive degree, a lot of courses in skills I lacked, a lot of leadership opportunities, competitions, a lot of guts fighting hard to focus and succeed, personally and academically: all of that should now have prepared me to stand strong and face what ever is going to come across me: For example I have always wanted to be able to know my dominant strengths and thus figure out what career path I can truly belong to, now that I finally know, I am supposed to implement it in the real world. A lot of money was invested in me, now I have to be able to make triple that amount and pay back the people who believed in me and supported me.

 This year I have also invested a lot of emotion and time to get over things I never saw coming, that’s what scares me the most, those things that happen to us out of the blue while you are out there busy tying to reach your goals and accomplish something, and those things just jump their way in the middle of it, turning everything upside down, and now you have to work even harder to stay focused and try to stand up to those unexpected interruptions, not ignoring that they happened and not choosing the easy way out, but you try to put all the broken pieces back together. Now how can we make sure to stay that focused, make decisions and avoid any emotional surprises that come unexpected and distract us from reaching our goals, from someone steeling your hard work and putting it under their name for instance, or from a professor who wants to fail you because someone you know  plagiarized their work and you didn’t want to be a snitch, or from someone that you find out that they acted like your friend just because they are interested to share your private life behind your back with everybody, or from a friend that you find out one day that she lied about you to your loved one, knowing you will probably never get the chance to even know or have a say about it, or worse of all, avoid surprises that have resulted from decisions YOU have done hastily, that is indeed the worse of all.

 Bad things happen when we are not prepared, and we become suddenly involved. Our performance gets affected and we have to come up with a way to stay focused. That’s why it’s the little decisions that scare me, they are the one that lead the emotional surprises and interruptions. Some people are so good in acting spontaneously, so good in believing whatever makes them sleep at night, they are good in starting over, believing that the faster they try and get involved in something new, the faster they will reach whatever they seek, and thus will make them feel better about themselves, secure and confident. I however, choose to take my time, understand and accept, and look back at my past and understand why every outcome came out the way it did. Taking responsibility of the past decisions we have made will allow us to be able to look forward and assure a better outcome. Life is anything but easy, and its anything but slow, its moving so fast I worry one day I will realize that Im not young anymore and I don’t have time to do everything I wanted to do, all because I wasted my youth on making wrong decisions I never payed attention to learn from any of them.

 And now, 14 days before the New Year begins. I have a feeling 2009 will be a special year for me, I hope. I have spent the last 3 months doing almost nothing but exploring and finding myself, I now have set up and acted upon my priorities, and I’m waiting for the law of attraction to play its trick. I sure hope I receive good news before 2008 ends, 2008 owes me ‘atleast’ that much! 😛


1 Comment »

  1. I loved your post, I related myself to every word and feeling you expressed. You seem passionate and ambitious, I wish you all the best!

    Comment by Sandra — January 4, 2009 @ 6:37 pm | Reply

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